


Of Vegetables and Queens

by RosiePaw



Series: On the Simplest Aspects of Life [2]
Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-27
Updated: 2012-08-27
Packaged: 2017-11-13 01:11:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/497733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RosiePaw/pseuds/RosiePaw
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>In which Steve goes shopping, Tony feels strongly that some things should not be blue and Thor has previous experience in drag</p>
    </blockquote>





	Of Vegetables and Queens

**Author's Note:**

> In which Steve goes shopping, Tony feels strongly that some things should not be blue and Thor has previous experience in drag

Having Steve do the grocery shopping is a mixed blessing. On the plus side, he’s reliable. He can always be counted on to get everything, absolutely _everything_ , that’s on the list. Tony’s tested this. Whatever he adds to the list, Steve brings it back, no comments, no questions. A 33-lb sack of Iams® ProActive Health™ Adult Large Breed even though they don’t have a dog. Seven dozen one-ounce bottles of imitation strawberry extract which will never, ever be used because, hello? _Imitation?_ Tony can afford to buy the real thing for himself and his teammates.

Steve can also be counted on for little extras that people didn’t list but want anyway. Natasha doesn’t cry the time he brings her kozinaki, but it’s a near thing. Bruce comes a lot closer to crying over the tulsi tea. Thor doesn’t cry at all over his brunost. He just really, really enjoys it.

On the minus side, Steve has this _thing_ about vegetables, and not vegetables already peeled and cut up and ready for the microwave, oh no. Steve apparently likes his vegetables as close to nature as he can get them. Carrots with the tops still on – what is the _point_ of buying carrots with the tops still on when the tops are just going to get cut off anyway? Yellowish things about the size and shape of softballs that turn out to be what turnips look like before they’re boiled and mashed. And then there’s the squash.

The day Steve brings home the bluish, warty thing twice the size of his own head – and we’re talking the head on his shoulders, not that Tony has any data about the other – the first one to react is Clint and Clint’s reaction is to ask if it’s meant for target practice. When Steve explains that the _thing_ is edible, the team’s responses largely boil down to, “Not by me it’s not!”

But Steve is sneaky. There is nothing remotely bluish or warty about the golden orange puree subtly seasoned with (real, not imitation) maple syrup that appears on their plates that evening. Tony and Clint are on seconds – Thor is on _fifths_ – before Steve explains about blue hubbard squash. And when Tony asserts that edible vegetables shouldn’t be _blue_ , he gets a stunning lack of support from the rest of the team.

“Jeez, Tony,” says Clint, “It’s only blue on the outside.”

“Steve’s uniform is mostly blue on the outside,” Natasha points out.

“That’s not relevant. How can you possibly think that might be relevant?” snaps Tony. “Cap’s not a vegetable.”

“But is he edible?” Natasha poses the question with a perfectly straight face, no clues there, but Clint overdoes his innocent who-me look and Tony senses a set-up. Poor Steve has turned beet red – beet _red_ , ha! – so Tony decides to fire back from an angle Natasha and Clint won’t expect. “You’re embarrassing our esteemed team leader. See if he ever brings you warty blue vegetables again!”

Only to have Steve, still blushing, respond with an earnest, “You’re right, Tony. Only for you.”

Which isn’t at all what Tony intended and he whips around to tell Steve so, just in time to catch this _moment_ between Steve and Thor in which Thor frowns – presumably in response to the projected absence of warty blue vegetables in his future – but Steve narrows his eyes just a bit and shakes his head ever-so-slightly and Thor relaxes.

Fine. Two can play this game. It’s a game that Tony’s restrained himself from playing ever since the Great Grilled Cheese Incident, but this time Steve’s brought it on himself.

“Why, Cap,” purrs Tony, “I didn’t know you cared.” And he picks up a forkful of (orange, not blue) squash, eats it and then employs maximum visible tongue involvement in cleaning the very last bit off his fork.

Natasha studies him a moment, turns, studies Steve a moment more and then asks, “What do you have planned for dessert, Steve? And can _everyone_ share?”

At which point Bruce’s last mouthful of squash goes down his windpipe and he has to be assisted before he turns green.

All in all, it’s a very colourful meal.

***

It’s some weeks later, Tony heads into the kitchen for a coffee refill and discovers Steve unpacking from a grocery run with a flyer sticking out of the back pocket of his jeans. The flyer is neither blue nor warty, but Tony gets his coffee and settles in at the kitchen table to keep a careful eye on it as Steve puts the groceries away. This is partly due to caution on Tony’s part, as he’s pretty sure the flyer wasn’t there when Steve left the Tower. But it’s mostly due to the fact that the flyer is in the _back_ pocket of Steve’s _jeans_ , which were bought for Steve by Pepper and therefore fit him properly. So Steve’s reaching up to put things away on high shelves and bending down to put things away in low cabinets, and Tony’s keeping an eye on that flyer, just in case.

Thor comes wandering in just as Steve is finishing up, so it’s to the two of them that Steve announces, flyer in hand, “The Andrews Sisters are doing a show at a club down in the Village this evening! I’m going, of course – either of you interested?”

At which point Tony leans over and yanks the folder out of Steve’s hand.

“Hey, Tony!”

“Cap, these are not the Andrews Sisters you remember.”

Steve looks abashed. “Well, yeah, I thought it was pretty unlikely they’d still be performing at their ages. It’s three women impersonating the original sisters, right?”

“Uh, wrong. It’s not women.”

Steve stares.

“It’s a drag show. That means...”

“I know what drag means. It meant the same thing in the forties.”

“I have not heard this term before,” Thor interrupts, “But if it refers to men in women’s clothing, then may anyone enter this show to compete? For I have dressed as a woman before and in doing so, won the day!”

“Do they sing in falsetto or transpose all the music down?” Steve wants to know.

“They lip-synch,” says Bruce, appearing in the doorway behind Steve. “Can I get at the tea kettle, guys?”

“What is...?”

“The performers don’t actually sing, Thor,” Steve explains. “They play recordings of the _real_ Andrews Sisters and move their lips to make it look as if they’re singing. So I’ll get to hear the recordings, and the show might be good too. If I don’t like it, I can just close my eyes and listen.”

“Or you could just _buy_ the recordings,” Tony points out.

Steve is firm. “I think I’d like to go.”

“I would like to go too, even if I may not compete this time. And perhaps I may ask the performers by what path one becomes a competitor?” 

And Tony hates to quash their enthusiasm, he really does, but Steve’s his team leader and his friend and the guy he’s had a crush on pretty much his entire life – and he’s also the guy who bolted out of Tony’s workshop as if his very nicely muscled tail were on fire.

“Steve, Thor,” Tony says as gently as he can, “It’s a gay club.”

“Can’t I just sit and watch the show?” Oh god, Steve’s doing the puppy-dog eyes.

“Go look in a mirror, Cap. You and Thor walk in there and every guy in the place is gonna feel his jaw hit the ground. _And_ every single one of them will make the perfectly reasonable assumption that you won’t mind being approached, because if you did, why would you be there?”

“To watch the show,” says Steve stubbornly. “Any guy who ‘approaches’ me, I can just smile and tell him ‘thanks but no thanks,’ right? If a guy won’t take no for an answer and gets fresh, well, I’ve seen how Peggy handled that sort of thing. I think I can manage.”

“It is always flattering to be admired,” Thor puts in cheerfully, “And surely they will understand when I explain that I have already plighted my troth to the Lady Jane? But if you think this will not avail, Man of Iron, then I propose that our brave Captain and I should tell any who ask that we are enamoured of each other and that none may come between us.”

“Okay, that works! Thanks, Thor!” Steve’s all smiles now, and Tony’s just a bit jealous that the smiles are directed at Thor rather than at him. Which might be why he finds himself saying:

“Fine, but I’m going too.”

Now Steve’s staring again.  
“What? It’s perfect! If I’m there when you two get yourselves into trouble, Fury will assume it was all my fault, which is fine because I don’t give a shit what Fury thinks.”

“The three of us will make a brave company,” enthuses Thor.

Bruce is shaking his head. “I’m out. Uh, not in that sense. In the sense that the club will almost certainly be too crowded and noisy to be my idea of fun.”

“Bullshit,” says Tony. “You’re just worried that the other guy will end up on stage trying to dance in stiletto heels.”

***

As it turns out, Natasha, Clint, Phil and Pepper already have something planned for the evening, although Phil asks Steve to find out when the “Andrews Sisters” will be performing again. So it’s just Steve, Thor and Tony walking into the place, which turns out to be both classy and comfortable, and making heads turn, both male and female. Some of the women are pretty obviously there with men, others are equally obviously there with other women. However the majority of the audience is, as predicted, male.

Steve and Thor have decided to stick to the truth, which means that Steve keeps telling hopeful guys thanks, but he’s not interested. Unfortunately, he does this while looking a little shy, a little embarrassed and completely adorable, so he keeps attracting _more_ guys.

Meanwhile, Thor tells his own hopefuls that he’s flattered by their interest and that his troth is plighted elsewhere but that this doesn’t mean they can’t share a drink in friendship. He then insists on buying drinks not only for himself and the latest hopeful but also for all the previous ones, both his own and Steve’s. By the time the show kicks off, Thor has accumulated a small horde of men in various stages of inebriation and a bar tab that most people would consider staggering. Fortunately, Tony is not most people and has already arranged with the bartender to cover Thor’s tab.

The “Andrews Sisters” are talented and convincing, swinging into “Bei Mir Bistu Shein” with verve and delivering “Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy” with genuine boogie. Tony’s enjoying himself, Thor looks fascinated and Steve – Steve’s practically dancing in his seat. Tony’s never seen him quite this way before, simultaneously relaxed and energized and just plain... happy. Yes, happy’s the word. Not that Steve’s been wandering around the Tower looking _un_ happy, but it’s only seeing him _now_ that Tony realizes Steve carries the constant burden of adaptation to a time that’s not his own. Here, for this evening, Steve’s got a piece of the forties back again. 

When the Sisters break for intermission, a club employee comes out on stage with notices about other upcoming events. Thor orders yet another round of drinks, and Tony leans over to quietly ask Steve about the authenticity of the act.

Steve grins. “Well, women’s skirts got shorter and narrower when the government started rationing cloth, but I don’t think they ever got _that_ short and _that_ tight!”

And Tony wouldn’t have thought it possible, but happiness makes Steve even more heart-breakingly good-looking. It makes Tony want to say things he knows Steve won’t want to hear. It makes Tony have to look away fast, which is why he spots the guy on stage eying the three of them with a look that Tony knows too well after a lifetime of celebrity. They’ve been recognized.

The Sisters start their second act with some chit-chat, getting laughs from the audience with local in-jokes. Tony’s not at all surprised when LaVerne announces, “I see a familiar face in the audience tonight, someone we know from our USO days, although he went on to bigger and better things.”

“Hey, by me he was always ‘bigger’ and ‘better,’” quips Patty with a swing of her hips and some illustrative hand motions.

The chuckles in the audience grow into laughter as Maxene continues with, “Steve, honey, when I told you to come up and see me some time, I didn’t mean seventy years later! Everyone, let’s hear it for Captain Steve Rogers – Captain America!”

The club goes wild with applause, cell phones are taking pictures and the Sisters are trying to wave Steve up on stage with them. Steve himself looks like a deer caught in the headlights as he turns to Tony, apparently for guidance.

“They want you to go up there. You don’t have to,” Tony says under cover of the din. He doesn’t realize until he’s said it that it might sound like a challenge, but sure enough, Steve squares his shoulders – which is impressive – and goes striding up to the stage. The applause increases in volume, but quiets immediately when Patty drapes herself along Steve’s side so they can share a microphone. In five-inch heels she’s a few inches taller than Steve and they should look ridiculous but they don’t. Somehow, it makes perfect visual sense for Captain America to have an Amazon on his arm – and shoulder and hip and everywhere in between.

“So,” says Steve, “Anybody want to buy a war bond?” Laughter, a few cheers. LaVerne and Maxene have questions about Steve’s opinions of life in 21st century New York. Steve admits that he likes shawarma and is getting used to the idea of jeans as dress clothes, at which point Patty grabs her mike back and says, “Well, they sure look dressy on _you_!” while blatantly ogling Steve’s ass.

“Give the man back the mike, Patty,” orders LaVerne, “Steve, I hear you’re living in that big, ugly, you know, _Tower_.” More illustrative hand motions from Patty as Maxene shares an eye roll with audience. “How’s that working out for you?”

“It’s growing on me,” Steve says, so straight-faced he could give Natasha a run for the money. The audience loves it. Tony can’t tell if Steve genuinely doesn’t get the innuendo or if he’s playing along.

 _Then_ Steve adds, “I’m here with some friends and one of them’s got previous experience with uh, drag? Can I call him up to the stage?”

“Sure thing, honey,” says LaVerne, as everybody, _everybody_ in the room looks at _Tony_. Tony just smiles back, because he’s always liked fucking with people’s minds.

“Thor, come on up!” says Steve, and the club goes wild _again_.

Thor strides up to the stage, greets each Sister as “Lady” and kisses their hands. He beams when “Lady Maxene,” the last in line, hangs onto him a moment, leans forward and kisses him on the cheek. Then she tries to hand him her mike, but Thor shakes his head. Apparently microphones are superfluous when you’re the god of thunder.

“So, Thor,” says LaVerne, “You’ve done drag before?”

“Aye,” booms Thor, “I dressed as a woman in order to get married!”

Shocked silence falls. All three Sisters look grave. “Oh, honey, I’m so sorry you had to do that.” LaVerne seems genuinely troubled. “I mean, this _is_ the 21st century, why do we have marriage laws that are more like something out of the 19th?” 

Thor’s quick to offer reassurance. “Be not saddened, Lady LaVerne. By the cunning of my brother Loki and my own prowess and good fortune I regained my hammer. Before the wedding night, my would-be bridegroom lay broken!”

LaVerne blinks, but she’s a trooper. “Okaaay, ah, Thor – just how large is this ‘hammer’?”

Thor holds his hands apart to indicate Mjölnir’s length, which is all the cue Maxene needs. “Yeah, I can see how a hammer like that would break any guy!”

Patty steals her mike back to ask, “Thor, how’d you come to lose your ‘hammer’ anyway?”

And that’s all the cue _Thor_ needs. He’s off and running, delighted to share his tale. The Andrews Sisters misinterpret everything he says in the bawdiest light possible and even Steve is getting into the act, raising his eyebrows over those big, blue, oh-so-innocent eyes with perfect timing. No question about it – Steve’s definitely getting the innuendo. And it’s obviously not bothering him a bit.

Getting an unexpected dose of Asgardian history along with their drag show isn’t bothering the audience, either, at least not when it’s Thor delivering it. They’re New Yorkers, proud of their ability to handle the unexpected.

Everyone’s having fun, and that includes Tony. The memo that’ll be coming down from Fury tomorrow morning? That’ll just be _more_ fun. Tony’s mentally composing his response when motion to his right catches his attention. There’s a guy standing there with two glasses and an unopened bottle of whiskey. He’s younger than Tony and older than Steve with hair the colour of a tarnished penny, stray coppery glints still shining through, lines around his eyes that speak more of experience than age and white, white teeth.

“In my humble opinion,” says the guy – although there’s nothing humble about him at all – “Blonds are over-rated. I go for the dark, handsome type myself.”

Tony’s neither unaware nor insecure when it comes to his personal attractions, but after spending the evening watching men flock to Steve and Thor like moths drawn to a blast furnace, a bit of attention doesn’t come amiss. He leans back a little and grins. “I notice you left out ‘tall.’”

“Irrelevant,” the guy shrugs. “Size _does_ matter. It just doesn’t matter in terms of _height_.”

Tony laughs and indicates the empty chair where Steve had been sitting. They share the whiskey, talking about odds and ends. The guy – Drew – is at least well off enough to be able to afford an unopened bottle of fairly decent whiskey and at least intelligent enough to realize that Tony wouldn’t have accepted an already poured drink from a stranger. He knows what he wants and so does Tony and if Drew’s not really _who_ Tony wants, that’s okay. Drew’s openness is refreshing, unfraught. Having sex with Drew would be easy. It might even be fun.

The bottle’s two thirds empty when Drew leans forward and places one hand on Tony’s thigh. It feels warm through Tony’s jeans. It feels good. “So, are your friends good to get themselves home?”

Tony’s just about to tell him how very, very good they are when a familiar voice interrupts.

“Certainly, but it’s _my_ job to make sure _Tony_ gets home.” Steve reaches down, picks up Drew’s arm gently but firmly by the wrist and removes Drew’s hand from its resting place. And sure, the club’s not exactly quiet, but a guy his size, you’d think they’d have noticed him before now. Must be some sort of super soldier stealth trick.

“What the _hell_ , Cap? I’m just as capable of saying no as you are and I was _not_ saying no! Did it _look_ as if I was saying no? Did it _sound_ like it? Or is this just one more example of how Steve Rogers is unable to tell the difference between the roles of team leader and surrogate _mother_?”

“I’m not your...”

“ _Or_ is this you being jealous?”

Steve freezes. 

“Ha! I’m right, tell me I’m not right! You’re scared to face up to the fact that you’re attracted to men and you’re jealous that I...”

“I’m not scared!”

“Oh, yeah? It sure looked like scared when you ran out of the room and left me sitting there with half a sandwich!” Of course _now_ the club is quiet. Everyone’s listening, probably trying to figure out if “half a sandwich” is some kind of kinky euphemism and if so, what for, but Tony’s on a roll. “And that is _not_ the point. The _point_ is that you’re jealous of me for being able to accept what I want and go for it.”

“I’m not jealous of you.” Steve’s voice is very low.

“The _hell_ you aren’t,” spits Tony, already starting to turn away in hopes that Drew hasn’t done what any sensible person would do when faced with this scene, i.e., run.

Steve’s hand on his arm stops him. “Tony, I’m not jealous of _you_.” And then Captain Steve Rogers – Captain America – leans over and kisses Tony full on the lips in front of a god, the Andrews Sisters and everybody.

The kiss is almost completely chaste, in large part because it’s also extremely awkward. Tony’s still sitting and has his head bent too far back, while Steve’s leaning too far forward to keep his balance easily. They both have to pay far too much attention to maintaining their positions to really enjoy themselves. But when Steve starts to pull away, Tony follows him right back up, borrowing a trick from Patty and plastering himself along Steve’s front for balance as he stands on his toes (just a bit). Steve’s a soldier and doesn’t hesitate to follow up on a tactical advantage. Their next kiss isn’t chaste at all.

Steve’s been drinking fruit juice all evening. His mouth is sweet with it, and his hands are large and warm on Tony’s hips. Tony wants to burrow into the centre all that sweetness and warmth and strength, set up camp there and stay forever. It’s horribly frustrating that their mouths will only open so wide, that their tongues are only so long. Tony rocks, wriggles, trying to improve the angle, get in closer. His hips shift, seeking more sensation, more pressure. Steve makes this _noise_ and _his_ hips move too, in synch with Tony’s and, yes, interested, he is, they are, they are so and Tony’s dizzy with it but he hangs on, fighting not to pass out, he wants every minute of this...

“Tony, _breathe_!” The blue of Steve’s eyes is incredibly intense when it’s concentrated like this, thin rims of blue around huge black centres, but Steve looks – worried? 

“Breathe! Are you okay? Look, I’m sorry, I forgot...”

“You can forget whatever you forgot,” snaps Tony. “I’m not letting you run away again.”

“I forgot that I can hold my breathe longer. The serum,” explains Steve. He looks a bit sheepish, but the sheepishness vanishes as he continues. “And I didn’t run away. I just – didn’t know how to figure you out. You tease all the time, and I knew about Pepper but not about – anyone else.”

“There isn’t...”

“Anyone else _male_. I thought you were only teasing, and it hurt,” Steve says simply. 

Tony’s never admitted to anyone in his life that they have the power to hurt him. He’s not ready to admit it now, but he gives Steve what he can. “Yeah, I tease. A lot. But it will never be _only_ teasing, not with you, and if I hurt you, tell me and I’ll try not to hurt you that way again.”

Put that way, the best Tony can offer sounds pathetically meager. But Steve smiles, wide and sweet, and says, “Take a deep breath. I’m going to kiss you again.” And does.

It’s only when the applause and cheers break out that Tony remembers that they’ve got an audience, but Steve doesn’t seem to care, so the hell with it. As he leans into Steve for yet another kiss – Steve’s kisses are rapidly becoming more addictive than alcohol ever was – Tony spots Drew over Steve’s shoulder, gets a rueful smile and a thumbs-up. Thor’s buying drinks for the entire club, the Andrews Sisters launch into “Don’t Sit Under the Apple Tree,” and then Steve’s kissing Tony and that’s all that really counts.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not making up the story about Thor dressing up as a woman in order to retrieve Mjölnir. In fact, he doesn't dress up as just _any_ woman - with some help from Loki, he impersonates the goddess of love and beauty. _And_ the Jotunn who stole Mjölnir buys it. Really.
> 
> See the Wikipedia article on the [Þrymskviða](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/%C3%9Erymskvi%C3%B0a) and other sources.


End file.
